I Don't Want to Label My Child

I hear you.  I get it.  We don't want our kids to grow up thinking there is something wrong with them and being treated differently for it.  It's hard just for us to accept that this baby we once dreamed big dreams for as we rocked them to sleep may have such a tough time achieving that goal.

Consider this, though...

As a teacher, a label does not put a stigma on a child in my room.  The label tells me that he may need me to visit his desk during the spelling test to make sure his d's and b's aren't backwards and his letters and words aren't all mixed up.  It may tell me that I need to sit him in the front of the classroom so that I have his attention, or the back of the classroom so he can move around a bit.  I may need to spend extra time on a writing assignment or forgive his constant use of lowercase and uppercase in all the wrong places.  The label may tell me that he REQUIRES extra time during testing, oral testing, quiet testing, small group testing. It tells me that I need to watch him on the playground to make sure he's being sociable enough, instead of closely examining each insect he finds.  He may have times that anxiety overwhelms him to the point that he can't remember the answers on the test.  I need to know that I need to be understanding.  I may need to allow him to skip every other number in a homework assignment or let you write it out for him sometimes when homework has become so difficult and overwhelming that you just want to pack all of the books and hold him.

A child without a label, under the protection of mom and dad, tells me that I am being asked to treat him like every other kid who requires none of this.  Our Special Education teacher says, "If a child needed glasses to have an even playing field as his peers, would you give him glasses?"  Of course we would.  This "label" is glasses to those kids.

A label is only a bad thing, in my opinion, when it is viewed as a negative.  When the label is actually used to label the autistic child, the Aspie kid, instead of the kid with autism or the kid with Asperger's.  A child should not be told they ARE ADHD, but that they have ADHD or anxiety.  They have dyslexia, rather than always being called dyslexic.  They should have a true understanding that none of this is a measure of their intelligence.  Their brains are wired differently (in the words of one of my favorite kids with Asperger's).  They should know that there is a way to help all of these things.  They should also be prepared to work harder than everyone else.

I feel that a parent who hides a "label" sends the message that it is something they should be ashamed of or that mom and dad may be ashamed of.  We know we could never be ashamed of our children, though.  I realize that the decision to hide the label comes from a good place of love and protection, but can be perceived as something very different by the child.  A friend of mine helped me to understand this as an adult whose label was hidden from her.  When she actually found out that she had ADHD, she was relieved.  She wasn't stupid as she thought she was for so many years.

If you are under the impression that your child goes to school and thinks he is like all of the others, think again.  Kids know.  They know they are different, and they hate it.  However, giving them the gift of understanding their diagnosis allows them to feel that they are smart enough, they just have to work harder at it. 

They HAVE TO work harder at it.  That means you do, too.  It may never get better, but when you watch him walk across the stage to receive his college diploma, you'll thank God someone told you to do it.  Help him and don't accept excuses.  Help him to meet (and maybe exceed) all expectations.  Never, by all means, express your disapproval of a teacher or homework in general in front of a child who is frustrated.  Your opinion means the most to him.  If you are negative, he will be also.  Will all teachers be fair and understanding?  No.  That's something you just have to face and deal with.  Always fight for the rights that your "label" grants your child under the Americans with Disabilities Act.  Find someone at your school who does understand and is in a position to help.  Research.  Research.  Research.

Many prayers for your journey.  I hope this helped.

~ACZ

Any questions, emails, or subjects you'd like discussed can be sent to me via email at adriennezembower@gmail.com.

Blessings

(Post from original mom blog I also have from April 2011)

Last night I had the privilege of being part of an evening of reflection for our school staff. Many parts of this evening were touching and eye-opening, but one particular part of the evening stood out for me because it's something I think of often.

In discussing different ways that we encounter our faith, I began thinking of my students and all of the different ways I see God in them. As each of these kids walk in my door each day, I realize over and over again how different they all are, and how many different things they need from me. I'm not sure if all teachers see this so blatantly, or if God has just given me a gift to see it more clearly. I see it, I feel for them, and I adapt and adjust to what they need. Plain and simple: I do this solely because if it were my child who needed something from his teacher each day, I'd hope he was respected and understood enough to receive it. I am so thankful for this gift that I've been given, and I hope I use it to the best of my ability.

This year, my mix of kids is interesting, varied, and exercising that gift all day long. One of them, in particular, has Asperger's Syndrome. He has been in school with the same kids in this sweet, private school since pre-K. The kids know he's different. It's obvious. That's about all they knew until this year. This year, their eyes have been opened to understand, support, and encourage those who are "differently-abled" as his mom prefers him to be described. At the beginning of the year, I saw kids who just shrugged at his quirkiness, still being respectful, but not understanding all the time. These are 4th graders. They are certainly old enough to understand. We decided to educate them about their classmate. One day, when he had a doctor's appointment, we gathered all 64 of our kids. I presented a slide show about Asperger's Syndrome (but this kid in particular).

He's super smart, makes fantastic grades on the same exact tests, not modified. {{Really? I didn't think he knew much of anything.}}. His writing is illegible because of his dysgraphia. {{Oh...that's why he uses the computer for some lessons. I get it.}} He thinks you are all his best friends, and he thinks he's playing with you when he is just running alongside your game. {{He does that? I never noticed?}} His hands don't work as well as yours do. He can't get the words out of his brain like you can. His BRAIN IS ACTUALLY DIFFERENT THAN YOURS. He's not contagious. He's not upset because of any of these differences. He's just different. We're all different. He is expected to perform the same daily tasks and follow the same school rules. We can help him to feel like a part of our class, instead of an outsider. {{How can I help?}}

From then on, the kids have made a daily effort to help, encourage, guide, and befriend our friend. Even more than that, they've transferred that acceptance to others who are "differently-abled". Today was our boy's birthday. When he walked into the door, I simply told him happy birthday. He said, "Oh! You remembered!" After that, with no prompting from me, the entire class erupted in a wonderfully loud "Happy Birthday To You" song {{tears!}}. He was thrilled, but quickly moved on to pass out invitations to his party. He was given 24 invites just for homeroom. Not enough. The kids who did not get one (in other classes) were asking for one.

I am so proud of the change that took place in these kids this year, and I hope they keep and use the gift. If you haven't ever explained another child's differences to your children, take the time to do it. They will understand. If you don't know enough to explain it, look it up together. Learn together. God could have chosen to give any one of us a child with special needs. Take the time to understand. It can make your child a much more understanding child on the playground. We're all different. God wanted it that way. We're all differently-abled:)

~ACZ